Re frame your 'mistakes' and 'flaws' into 'barriers' and 'difficulties'

 first part:https://umme-aiman.blogspot.com/2020/09/do-you-accept-my-flaws-why-so-hard-self.html

Re frame your 'mistakes' and 'flaws' into 'barriers' and 'difficulties'

Some of you maybe reading this and wondering: is this me? Am I doing this?

 

How can you tell the difference between 'true self' and 'idealized self'?

 

Well - the 'idealized self' is ultimately a fantasy and therefore quite weak. Ask some probing questions, they'll fall.

 

So, if you're worried that your actions are dictated by an 'idealized self', ask the question:

 

If my 'self-improvement' efforts were invisible to everyone, could I still do it?

If someone else can't tell the difference, will you still work on your emotional control? Would you still exercise if it didn't affect your view of other people? If you can't tell anyone that you meditate every day, would you meditate every day?

 

Important note: If the answer to any of these questions is 'no' - that doesn't mean you should stop doing these things. But you should probably find a better reason to do them. Discover how these activities value you, regardless of how other people might change their perception of you.

 

The main difference between your 'true self' and your 'idealized self' is simple:

 

It wants to be your 'ideal self'. Your 'true self' wants to do.

… Or is it

. 

So, I have a whole philosophy about the language we use with ourselves and, to be honest, I'll probably save most of it for another piece, but let's look at the difference between 'being' and 'doing'.

 

When we talk about ourselves, I basically believe that we should delete 'I' and 'I want to be' from our dictionary.

 

We all know that labels like 'I'm stupid' or 'I'm worthless' are toxic and harmful. What about 'beautiful' or 'smart'?

 

I believe these tags are also harmful because they can still lead to an unhealthy sense of self.

 

For example, 'I am smart. How is this measured? How can it be proven? How many other people must agree with this for it to happen?

 

The fact that there are too many questions around this statement makes the truth quite weak. So if we become dependent on ourselves for our sense of self-worth, we make ourselves very vulnerable.

 

People who invest too much in the label 'I'm smart' often struggle when things go wrong. Self-esteem takes a big hit, just because they made a human mistake.

 

This can affect their behavior. They can put others down to try and feel superior by shaking. They may be afraid of trying new things because they are too afraid of looking 'stupid'.

 

Statements that begin with 'I am' are often an attempt to be absolute. And when we define ourselves in absolute ways, we limit our ability to grow.

 

My method is to replace 'entity expressions' (like 'I') with 'making statements'. (I do, I find, I do, I move, I speak, I can, I have, etc.)

 

So instead of saying 'I am smart', I can say much more specific things…

 

'I process information quickly'

'I think things critically'

'I have a quick wit'

'I find problem-solving easy'

'I can read other people's feelings'

When we start talking in phrases like these, we stop trusting the absolutes. Everything listed above is a skill and we all know that skills can develop with use or deteriorate due to lack of use.

 

So, by using 'making statements', we acknowledge that all the different components of ourselves are fluid, flexible, and changeable.

 

Add 'often' to the mix for more clarity. For example. 'I often think critically about things.' This further clarifies that these statements are not absolute.

 

Now,  the article is all about acknowledging our flaws, so let's try this on things we might not like about ourselves.

 

For defects, it is very important to use the 'frequent / sometimes' prefix so that we keep them actually grounded.

 

Useless tag: "I'm a bad friend"

 

Useful alternatives:

 

Sometimes I lose my anger

I judge people often

I often struggle to stay in touch with people

Sometimes I take my insecurities to others

Now, facing these parts of ourselves may not be easy, but it's much more constructive than basing ourselves on a 'bad friend'. This realistic assessment of our personality gives us a solid place to work.

 

We move away from the absoluteness of the 'I am' and see the truth: just like what we love about ourselves, what we don't like about ourselves is fluid, flexible, and open to change. But How Can We Admit Our Flaws And Still Want To Change Them?

Ok, so I would still struggle with this question, even if I could clearly see that tackling my flaws was both unhealthy and useless.

 

Isn't the desire to grow / change / improve something about myself contrary to the idea of ​​'accepting myself as I am'?

 

It seems - no!

 

Because 'admitting our flaws' does not mean thinking that we are perfect and that we can do what we want regardless of the consequences.

 

It's not about being one of those toxics 'If you can't handle me at the worst then you don't deserve me at best' memes.

 

Accepting ourselves means recognizing that our flaws are part of our journey and that what we do with them is our responsibility.

 

This means admitting that we 'never end'. We are in a state of constant growth and we will continue to do so until the day we die.

 

When you think this way, your relationship with your 'future self' is completely transformed. They are no longer a perfect being allowed to bully and abuse you, because you cannot live by their standards. No, instead your 'future self' is someone who wants to be nourished by you.

 

Your 'future self' is not your master. They are your children and you are their caregivers.

 

So 'self-improvement' stops at how you change 'you' today and turns into how you look at 'you' tomorrow.

 

And to do this, you have to believe in yourself. Accept yourself, nay, fully embrace yourself as it is, mistakes and everything.

 

Because at the end of the day, this is the only person who has the power to make your future wonderful.

Still struggling? Here Are Some Quick Thoughts That Can Help.

If It Doesn't Serve You, Use the Word 'Improve'

If you've taken an unhealthy path in the name of 'self-improvement', this phrase might be a trigger for you.

 

Instead, try alternatives like 'growth' 'development' 'evolution' or 'expansion'. These words can feel better because they point to progress without implying that something is wrong where you are now.

 

Reframe your 'mistakes' and 'flaws' into 'barriers' and 'difficulties'

Similar to 'improvement', words like 'mistakes' and 'flaws' may be getting in your way. You can be judged by yourself, which can lead to defense.

 

Instead, think of them as 'obstacles' and 'challenges.

 

A really easy way to do this is to repeat your presence through exercise, but be sure to use phrases like 'I'm struggling' and 'I'm finding it hard'.

 

And of course - remember the prefix sometimes / often to keep it grounded.

 

For example:

 

"Sometimes I struggle to keep our cool" "I often find it hard to see the best in people"

 

Using this language makes your position more empathetic. You stop seeing yourself as 'flawed' and you start to see yourself as a person who can face difficulty - someone they can handle!

 

'Don't force yourself'

Here is another key language trick. Don't 'push' yourself.

 

Encourage, nurture, support, provide, empower, inspire, encourage, cheer…

 

There are far better words than the word 'push'.

 

Make a Leap of Faith

See, I can make logical arguments as to why you should accept yourself, but ultimately, action is the only thing that keeps these suspicious voices in your head thirsty.

 

I had been skeptical about self-acceptance for a long time, but at the end of the day nothing else was working. Despite my doubts, I gave it a shot. And now I've had the magic of self-acceptance and I have the technical knowledge to write this article.

 

So, maybe you still, believe it won't work for you. But the only thing I really want from you is to be nice to yourself.

 

Really, what's the worst thing that could happen?

 

And most importantly, what's best?